I’ve known I was “different” since I was a child. Mostly because I was bullied a lot. The other kids at school or in my neighborhood would call me weird, freak or they would just ignore me. That was the worst. Not being included and made to feel invisible for something I didn’t understand made me feel like I didn’t belong anywhere.
I’ve never been popular. I’ve always had a few select friends that understood I was different but loved me because of it. There’s nothing I can do to change it so I just had to learn how to deal with it. I have Asperger’s.
Asperger’s is…a pain in the arse. It’s a form of Autism which effects the way I socially interact and communicate with others. It’s basically an unfriendly barrier which restricts me or makes it very difficult to make friends. Not my fault. I struggle to pick up on social queues, mannerisms and find it difficult to look at people.
However, Asperger’s comes as a nice little hamper of other “goodies” too. Such as, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, ADHD, OCD and Short Term Memory Loss. Due to the Asperger’s bundle we are also prone to conditions like Depression and Anxiety. Of course we do! With all this going on in my head daily, are you not surprised? Every day I have to battle at least one or several of these conditions. It’s exhausting.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve really been struggling with my anxiety. There’s been a huge build up of issues which I have been struggling to deal with as well as my everyday problems. Most are personal problems which I am not ready or want to share so I won’t be talking about them here. It’s too difficult and I don’t want to.
I’ve not been coping well…at all. I’ve been very closed off from everyone and I’ve not really spoken to anyone. I’ve spent most days going back home and closing my bedroom door behind me. Dealing with serious stuff is not for me. I hate it. I prefer to stay inside my own little world so when “shit hits the fan” I lose it.
I’ve been a mess. I hit rock bottom a week ago and couldn’t control my emotions anymore. I then got the worst headache I’ve ever had and partially lost my sight in one eye. I went to bed and woke up 14 hours later. I was shaking and I didn’t know if I was awake or not. A lot of other things happened too but I don’t want to write about them because it makes me really upset thinking about it again. I had a breakdown.
I’d had one before but not for years. This was back when I had a counselor and was receiving treatment for it. Don’t really want to go down this route again. I know how serious it can get and I am not letting that happen to me again. It’s not like me to let things build up like this anymore but it was all out of my control. With the stress of my job, family issues and everything I have to deal with on a day to day basis…I lost it.
I’m still shaking, the tremors in my hands are quite irritating and I’ve had these weird head twitches (sounds so attractive) which I’ve never had before. I’m spending the weekend just chilling out which is what I really needed. Getting some well earned sleep which I haven’t been getting lately as night time has been the worse as that’s when I start thinking the most about everything. Going to the gym and getting back into a routine as this will help my body confidence to which has been playing on my mind a lot of late. Taking the time to cook and eat better as I’ve been having takeaways or ready meals just so I can eat and get to beg quicker. I also took 2-3 weeks away from the blog and now I’m ready to write again.
I even went Speed Dating again last night. Not to find someone but to get myself out of my room, have a drink, have a laugh and meet some new people. If I met someone then great but that’s not the reason I went. It did me wonders. I felt so much better and it was the most fun I’ve had in ages. It’s crazy that a bunch of strangers have helped me more in the last week than myself or anyone else but that’s because I never told anyone.
The main thing I really need to change is my relationships with people and make more of an effort to see and speak to people. That’s the hardest thing for me. I’ve been really lonely here in London and miss my friends a lot. I think this is really having a toll on me more than I realised. I’ve not got anyone to talk to unless I pick up the phone. There’s days where I just want to go for a drink and clear everything off my chest with someone but I can’t do that here.
I want to make more of an effort with people if I can which is a massive challenge for my Anxiety since my recent events over the last week. I’m going to join a hockey team again and give it one more shot here in London. I want to host another girls night with my work mates which was so much fun last time. Spend more time with my housemates and I want to hang out more with my Blogger friends.
I want to apologise to my friends and family for not letting you know what’s been going on. I didn’t feel comfortable talking about it and we’ve had other things to concentrate on. This isn’t a cry for help or an attention seeking post but something I wanted to write for myself and now I’ve finished, I feel so much better it’s out in the open. For me fighting against my paranoia is the worst because I know people care about me but when everything goes silent, it can bring out the worst thoughts that just aren’t true.
If you know anyone who has Anxiety, please check in on them. We all have our bad days and a text, message or phone call can make all the difference. For me it was a Facetime which helped me start to get out of my funk. Thanks for that! Next blog post will be more positive, upbeat and more like myself I promise.
Pin this post for later:
Do you have Anxiety? What do you do to fight it on the bad days? Let me know in the comments below.